motives

I don't really have time to be blogging.. but I think I need to grab a few minutes of down time.

Life is constant cleaning up and I'm just a little over it for the moment. No sooner is it done then its needing to be done again. Its really not fair!

The last 2 months I've been lead to look at my motives for what I think and do quite a lot. Its prompted me to make a few decisions. Letting go of facebook, deciding to homeschool.
I think for a lot of us, we never really question why we do things. Or why we want to do things. The desire comes on us and we do them. But why really?

For me the answer is usually something related to being selfish.

There are times and seasons in life, and while you need to live each moment, you also need to realise that more than likely, wherever you are right now is just a season. There is good and not so good things within it.

Like I said in my last post, this week has just been a mess. Nothing really has happened, but everyone has been in a mood and its felt like a train wreck.

Today we found out that its 98% certain Robin is going to change jobs again. He is finally going to work on Lady Elliot Island, with the guy he used to work with in Bundaberg. Which means he is gone for 10 days and home for 4 days.

I'm hoping this is the change that we need. He's been wanting to do it for over a year now. With me homeschooling we are freed up to do it, seeing as he isn't needed to take the kids to school. He could be starting as soon as 3 weeks from now. Its just got to be finalised with the head guy.

We don't get along really well, so hopefully with some space between us we might? I don't know but the only thing I will miss is that feeling there's another adult in the house at night.

While I depend on Robin to take me out in the car, I don't really depend on him any other way. He doesn't make me feel safe or taken care of really, the way people assume a  husband would. I don't find him super dependable. Not that he's not there, he is, but he isn't always there in the way I need him to be, if that makes any sense.

So yeh, another phase of life starting soon.

Krysta has been making more waves about home school. I suspect her friends talking or just her feeling she is going to be left out. Its hard to talk about with her. Conflict coming up with her has me shaking in my boots about the teenage years! And we think that the infant stage is hard :/  As they grow you're faced with someone that you are responsible for, but also have to consider their thoughts and feelings, which often don't match your own and you need to decide which ones matter and which ones you still have the reins on! Can't say I feel ready for it or that I even like it much. Considering I was a head strong child/teen and my kids really try it with me.

Yesterday it was another disco coming up at school and I said no. Aside from it being logistically impossible (no transport) I don't think she needs to go again. She went to one to see what it was like. 

I'm struggling with the feeling that I'm a mean, archaic mother. But on the other hand I don't want her acting so grown up and worldly, if you would say that.

She's ten. How many night time outings without her family does she need? Well the answer is no anyway.

Brandon is getting so grown up. I need to make a point to spend more time with him. He's a learner. Like Adria was, he picks things up fast and is interested in learning how to do things. A lot different to Rian.

What prompted this post was thinking about mum, having gone to a lunch function I thought, I wish I could go out like that sometimes. Though I can't, because the boys would not be invited, nor would they behave civilised! Then I thought, if they were all at school in some years time then I'd be free to do things like that. But what sort of motive is that, sending my kids to a school so that I can have time to myself? I chose to have this family and I don't want to pass the buck on responsibility any more. I know not every kid that is in school has parents that think that way, but I do. I did rather. I've been happy to hand my precious children, who's souls I am guardian of while they grow, over to the system to be shaped and formed. Well no thanks. I've had my awakening and I feel like maybe Krysta is about to be too far gone as it is!

On a lighter note, I got woolly mail today. 

I was planning to make myself a cardi with the Mosaic Moon I had bought for Brandon, so I ordered another skein to have enough. The order went through, but then I didn't get shipping notice, so I contacted Morwenna and she appologised that she didn't have it any more and refunded me. Then she asked me to choose another skein in place that she would gift me. Today I got the mail and it was not one, but two skeins! She sent me the colourway I'd wanted but on a different base, and another colourway altogether. 

Now I REALLY want to find some time to knit!! Not that anything made will be worn for a while, but its something I can do for myself. Finding the time will be difficult though. 

Every day the kitchen self destructs. There is always washing and there is always toys all over the house and food all over the floor. 

With that thought I should go and do something about trying to get somewhere here.